The Ultimate Touhou
by Franny ze Omega
Summary: This fic has come to a close. I quit.
1. The Ultimate Touhou

Old Suika was hopping around Gensokyo like a big playground

When suddenly Reimu burst from the shade and hit Suika with a Yin-Yang Ball

Suika got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Nue, who proceeded to open up a can of Nue Fu

When Flandre Scarlet came out of the blue

And she started beating up Nue Houjuu

Then they both got flattened by the frickin' train but before it could make it back to the big gap

Rikako Asakura popped out of her grave and took an AK-47 out from under her coat and blew Reimu away with a rat-a-tat-tat

but she ran out of bullets and she ran away because OMG Ruukoto came to save the day

this is the Ultimate Touhou of Ultimate Destiny bullets, bullets, and more bullets as far as the eye can see and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

this is the Ultimate Touhou of Ultimate Destiny

Suika took a bite out of Ruukoto like Yuyuko took a bite out of Mystia

and then Nue came back covered in a train track

but Hong Meiling jumped out and landed on her back

and Reimu was injured, and trying to get steady when Rikako Asakura came back with a machete

but suddenly something caught her leg and she tripped

Alice Margatroid took her out with her dolls

then she saw Suika sneaking up from behind and she reached for her dolls which she just couldn't find

'cause Reimu stole them and she fired and she missed and Hong Meiling deflected them with her fist

then she jumped in the air and did a somersault

while Rikako Asakura tried to pole vault onto Ruukoto, but they collided in the air

then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare(wut?)

this is the Ultimate Touhou of Ultimate Destiny dakka, dakka, and more dakka as far as the eye can see and only one will survive,

I wonder who it will be

this is the Ultimate Touhou...

fairies sang out an immaculate chorus

down from the heavens descended Wriggle Nightbug

who delivered a kick which could shatter bones

into the crotch of Alice Margatroid

who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain

as Reimu changed back into Nagisa

but Wriggle saw through her clever disguise

and she crushed Reimu's head inbetween her thighs

then Lily the Black and Lily the White

and "Scarlet Weather Rhapsody"'s Iku and Tenshi Hinanai

and The Blue Baka

and Magic Marisa and Mima the Spirit

Ruukoto, Parsee, Captain Murasa, and Yuugi

Nazrin, Kogasa, every single Prismriver

Jun'ya Ota and Umihara Iruka,  
Ran, Yukari, Chen, and Yumemi

all came out of nowhere lightning fast

and they kicked Wriggle Nightbug in her glowing ass

it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw with civilians looking on in total awe

and the battle raged on for a century many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better:  
Rinnosuke in a bloodstained sweater

this is the Ultimate Touhou of Ultimate Destiny laser, beam spam, and danmaku as far as the eye can see and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be this is the Ultimate Touhou...  
(The Ultimate Touhou)  
this is The Ultimate Touhou...  
(The Ultimate Touhou)  
This is the Ultimate Touhou...  
Of Ultimate Destiny.

Author's Note: Well, I finally upload something and it's this mess. Wow... I hope SOMEONE finds it humorous. Depending on reviews, I might turn this into a multi-chapter parody type thinger.


	2. Because, Chicken

It was a peaceful day in Gensokyo.  
Blah... blah...  
Etc, etc.

Meanwhile, down in the Palace of Earth Spirits, Satori Komeiji was busy trying to investigate the new building that had just randomly appeared. The building was red and white, with a very creepy-looking man's face on the frontside. Three English letters were attached to the side.

"KFC?" Satori muttered, head tilted some few degrees to the left.

It was then that a tall, pale-skinned man in an all white suit walked out of the building,  
leaning on a cane. Strangely enough, his face matched the one on the side of the place.  
Smiling, the man began to speak in a heavy, Southern accent.

"Well, hello there, honey-child. I see you been eyein' my rest-ee-rawnt. Wouldn'tcha care ta come in and take a gander, maybe even try some chicken?" he asked.

Satori stared at him for all of three seconds before producing a gatling gun from God-Only-Knows-Where and firing.

"I don't like chicken." she monotoned, continuing to fire. The man skillfully dodged all of her bullets, gaining a few graze points as he did so.

"It's rude ta shoot without knowing yer opponent's name, child. I'm Colonel Sanders." he paused,  
pulling on his cane to reveal a blade. "And you are about to die."

Then Utsuho appeared out of nowhere and began firing miniature suns at Sanders while Satori threw grenades. All appeared to be going in their favor, until Terry Crews showed up.

"BLOCK!" he shouted, deflecting bullets and suns with his abdominals. Utsuho grew angry because of this and charged up for a powerful attack.

"Miniature sun poweeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr!" she screamed. Terry Crews also began to charge up.

"Double sun poweeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!" he yelled. As the two attacks charged, the surrounding area and everyone but the two fighters turned to ash. When the two finally launched their attacks and they collided, all was destroyed. Gensokyo, Earth, Makai, everything.

The only thing left was a big, white void. In that void, there stood but one person.

ZUN.

"Looks like it's time to reset the world again. Ahahahahaa... I need a drink." he said as he hit a big red button labeled, 'RESET THE WORLD'.

So, time was reset all the way back to Highly Responsive to Prayers.

-Fin

A/N: What is this I don't even. 


	3. Gamestop Chronicles

One day, Sanae Kochiya became very, very bored.  
She had just finished throwing random things off the side of a cliff, and was on her way to visit Reimu, for some reason.

However, what she found there was certainly odd, to say the least.  
In the place of the Hakurei shrine, there stood Gamestop.

"Oh, what's this?" Sanae said, her curiousity peaking. With little else better to do,  
she decided to go inside and see what was going on. Like any Gamestop, there were shelves upon shelves on the walls, various video games filling them. There was a register, and standing behind it was none other than Reimu Hakurei, with an expression on her face that could only be described as 'I'll kill you if you don't buy something'.

"Welcome, welcome. Grab a game and drop your money in the dona- I mean... hand it to me so I can put it in the register." Reimu said, facing Sanae. Sanae seemed confused, but then she remembered that a group of odd things had fallen into Gensokyo through the border, one of which had the words 'Xbox 360' engraved into the side. Taking a look around, she noticed that a few of the games in the store also had these words printed onto their colorful covers.

Shrugging, Sanae walked up to the nearest shelf and grabbed a game at random, reading the name aloud.

"Dead Rising.. hm. Sounds interesting. I want this one, Reimu-chan!" Sanae called out. Reimu,  
who had been chewing on a toothpick, simply blinked.

"Yeah, so bring it up here and gimme a donati- I mean... pay for it."

Sanae cheerfully walked up to the counter, and it was then that EX Rumia came crashing in.

"To be continued." Said ZUN.

A/N: ... Right, then. Read, review, etc. Remember, some reviews give me ideas! 


	4. Gamestop Chronicles  2

Previously on The Ultimate Touhou, Sanae began her hard journey to Reimu's shrine, only to

find it gone, replaced by a mysterious structure known only as Gamestop. Upon entry, Sanae

found herself overwhelmed by the things inside ; games, Reimu called them. Sanae had just

decided on what game to purchase when EX Rumia burst in through the wall, fanged maw

dripping blood.

We now pick up where we left off.

"REIMU! I have come to exact vengeance for my defeat at your hands so long ago!" EX Rumia

shouted, sword raised.

"Hey, isn't that Soul Edge?" Reimu asked, seeming far too calm given the situation. Sanae is

a good girl, so she stayed quiet while the other two conversed.

"I'm friends with Nightmare, so he let me borrow it." EX Rumia stated. Suddenly, Alice and

Marisa rushed in, both keeping some distance.

"What's going on here, ze?" Marisa asked, confused.

"Rumia wants revenge or something, I don't know." Reimu answered.

"She seems really overpowered." Alice noted. Rumia then became annoyed and let out a

powerful shockwave of energy, knocking everyone (sans Sanae) to the ground and destroying

Gamestop. Nothing was left but a desert landscape with some patches of grass. Alice and

Marisa stood, the former throwing the latter a small, techy object.

"Marisa, what does the scouter say about her power level?" Alice asked, facing down EX

Rumia. Marisa placed the scouter over her eye for a moment before pulling it off, eyes

narrowed.

"It's over nine-thousand!" she shouted.

"What, nine-thousand? That can't be right!" Alice shouted back. Marisa took a moment to

check the scouter and nodded a bit.

"You're right, ze. It isn't calibrated. Gimme a minute." she said, fooling around with the

scouter.

Everyone (sans Sanae) had tea while they waited.

"Okay, finished!" Marisa called out after a few moments, prompting everyone (sans Sanae) to

return to their positions. She re-read the scouter and pulled it off once more.

"IT'S OVER EIGHT-BILLION!" Marisa screamed, crushing the scouter into many small pieces.

". . . Well, we're fucked." Reimu said, sighing.

"To be continued... again." Yukari said, peeking out of a gap.

"Seriously?" Everyone shouted.

A/N: KFC does exist in Japan, reviewer # 6! ./


	5. Destroyer

A/N: Seeing as the story's randomness levels have destroyed the local humor box, things will be a bit more serious, at least until the box is repaired. Sorry for the inconvenience!

The Ultimate Touhou - Chapter 5: Destroyer

It was dark out at that point. Perhaps this was Rumia's doing, or just the natural occurrence of night. Regardless, something had to be done immediately. before this became another incident. Rumia had never had the guts to challenge Reimu directly... but that new form she had taken was so powerful.

"Rumia, you have to stop this! Don't you understand? Without Reimu, there's no barrier!" Marisa paused, searching for words. "She's almost like... like... our savior, ze!"

Rumia started to grin, hefting her sword up, eyes wide. "Is that so~?" she slammed the blade into the ground, her grin now a fierce scowl. "Gensokyo ill needs a savior such as her!"

Reimu shook her head, staring the crazed youkai down. "What is Gensokyo, but a miserable pile of secrets? But, that's enough talking. Let's go." she said, launching a wave of danmaku right at Rumia. The youkai smiled, taking the full brunt of the attack.

"Behold, shrine maiden; I will show you that there is no hell, only darkness!" she screeched, throwing her swords and a wild wave of danmaku. The one to take the attack was Marisa, who jumped in the way to protect Reimu. She was vaporized.

Alice stared on in silent disbelief as the 'Ordinary' magician was killed. Within an instant, that fun-loving girl was wiped off of the face of Gensokyo. That strong, fun-loving girl was gone. Never again would she laugh, smile, anything.

"No.. no, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" Alice screamed, falling to her knees, tears welling up in her eyes. At that moment, thousands of dolls appeared, all wielding lances. Alice stood, eyes blank as she directed the dolls toward Rumia and Reimu.

"It's your fault, your fault it is. You should both die. YOU SHOULD ALL DIE!" she shouted, starting to cackle like a psychopath. Reimu stared on, shaking her head.

"If that's how it's gonna be... I'll take you both on. HAVE AT YOU!" she yelled, preparing to fight.

A/N: To be continued. 


	6. The Dolls and the Darkness

A/N: Thanks to the efforts of one Henix Aurorus, the local humor box was fixed. After this chapter, it will be rebooted and ready for action. However, the EPIC box has gone into overdrive and will turn on at random.

Previously on The Ultimate Touhou; After the death of Marisa, Alice went berserk and began to attack our heroine, Reimu, and the villain, EX Rumia. Reimu, still reeling from the loss of her best friend, was most definitely not at 100%, but she prepared herself for a difficult free-for-all.

The Ultimate Touhou- Chapter 6: The Dolls and the Darkness

Reimu stood, her gaze shifting back and forth between the now psychotic Alice, and her original opponent, Rumia. It didn't take long for her to realize that she didn't have high chances for the battle, but what other choice did she have? Already, a life had been lost. If she allowed it to go any further, who knows how many would die?

"I don't like this. I don't like this one bit." Reimu said softly, taking to the air. Rumia disappeared into a ball of darkness, thinking it better to wait out Alice and Reimu's fight.

Alice simply stared at Reimu, raising her hand to the sky. All of her dolls mirrored the action as the skies turned red, thunder clapping and lightning striking right behind the dollmaster.

"This is for Marisa. If she hadn't been trying to protect you, none of this would have ever happened. She would still be here, by my side. You took her away from me. YOU TOOK AWAY MARISA, NOW I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER!" Alice shouted, sending countless doll-bombs after Reimu. The shrine maiden dodged left and right, barely grazing a few of the bombs. Explosions went off behind and underneath her, filling the area with a thick smoke. Alice eventually ran out of dolls and switched to firing danmaku, managing to hit Reimu with a few and send her to the ground.

"Damn... this isn't good..." Reimu mumbled, forcing herself to her feet. Surrounded on all sides by thick smoke and fire, Reimu watched carefully for Alice, finally catching sight of the psychopath, standing amidst the flames.

"Think about it, Reimu. Isn't this so hilarious? Almost a complete opposite of the last time we fought! I remember... Marisa once told me of a place like this, filled with fire. I believe she called it Hell. Now, then, Reimu. GO TO HELL!" Alice shouted, charging toward Reimu, fists raised.

"Just who the hell do you think I am?" Reimu shouted back, charging toward Alice. Both fighters yelled as their fists grazed one another, and their hits both landed their mark. A cross-counter.

A/N: Two updates in one day. CAN I MAKE A THIRD UPDATE? LET'S SEE! Pretty short, these are. 


	7. NarratorSama

Okay.

I'm fresh out of ideas. I was going to do this bit with all of the people in the previous chapters sitting around in a break room, but when I went to type it, I couldn't figure out what to do.

"Why is Narrator-sama going on about nothing?" Sanae asked to Reimu, who was busy sweeping around her shrine.

"Who cares?"

"Well, we can't just ignore it. It's rare that Narrator-sama complains." Reimu stared at Sanae as if she had grown an extra head, which, since I believe it would be somewhat humorous, she did. Sana's two heads stared at one another and shrugged, splitting off into two separate Sanaes.

"That isn't something you see every day." Reimu said, setting her broom down.

"So, Narrator-sama needs ideas. I know! Why don't we hold a contest?" Sanae 1 suggested, gleefully clapping her hands. Reimu sat down on the porch of her shrine to listen, not saying a word.

"What kind of contest?" Sanae 2 asked, shoulders drooped.

"Uhm..." Sanae 1 thought on it. What kind of contest could she come up with?

"Why not ask people to submit chapter ideas and stuff, or something. Maybe even start some sort of collaboration?" Reimu chimed in.

Both Sanaes agreed, and set off to syphon ideas from the public, cattle prods in hand.

But seriously, I need help to continue.


	8. The Mysterious Cattleprod of Justice

"A little random here, some overused references here, just a dash of obscure references... perfect... PARFEKKTO!" Narrator-sama shouted, eyes glowing with energy. The two Sanaes returned, dragging about fifteen Touhou fanboys behind them. Narrator-sama turned toward them, grinning.

"You've returned! What have you brought me? Is there any cake?" she asked, striking the Gendo pose. The two Sanaes pointed to the fanboys, and both held up a box of doughnuts.

"No cake, Narrator-sama. However, we brought fanboys for you to syphon ideas from, and doughnuts. However, one of the fanboys was making no sense, so we killed him." Sanae 1 said cheerfully.

"Not making sense? What'd he say?" Narrator-sama asked, eyebrow raised.

"LIEK U SHUD TOTALY DO A YURI CHAPTER OMG MARIALI FOREVER!11!1!ONE" Sanae 2 said, before adding, "... Is what he said."

Narrator-sama blinked, confused. That aside, she had the two Sanaes lock the fanboys up for questioning.

"BRING ME MY CATTLEPROD OF JUSTICE!" she yelled, and a cattleprod randomly appeared in her hand. It had the word 'JUSTICE' engraved into the handle. "There's gon' be an interrogation! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The two Sanaes watched Narrator-sama go insane, before heading off to get their TORTURE gear.

A/N: -To be continued? I think?- 


	9. Blood, Ideas, and the Narrator

It was dark that day in the happy happy fun torture chamber. I remember it well, seeing as it was only about five minutes ago. I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Francis Edwards. I have sort of reddish skin, short, messy black hair, and narrow brown eyes. Sometimes I'm called by my other name, Narrator-sama.

That day, I and my assistants, Sanaes 1 and 2, and Cho-Marisa (whom I kindly asked to stay faaaaaar away from me) were busy torturing story ideas out of various Touhou fans. Sure, our torture methods sometimes killed the people before we got answers, but at least we got to see how it looks when a person's body is twisted like a screw. Gruesome as hell, it was.

"Another one died, Narrator-sama!" Sanae 1 said, carrying a leg and pieces of what appeared to be someone's face. I stared on, still washing blood from my hands after the last guy I 'accidentally' killed.

"So, throw him in the pile with the rest before I cryo-freeze you together with some english beef." I said. Sanae 1 saluted, which resulted in blood being spread across her forehead.

How nice.

Some time passed, and I found myself once again staring into the eyes of a terrified fanboy. I couldn't help but grin, thinking of how much power I had over this person. Really, I got to decide if he lived or not. I felt like a queen, maybe even a god!

"Now, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way, kid. Which will it be?" I asked him, leaning in close. I wasn't worried about him trying to hit me or anything. After all, I had already had both of his arms broken.

"E-easy! Easy!" he shouted. He seemed to be in quite a bit of pain.

Pity.

"Eehh, really! EASY MODE? How lame! It's unforgivable to play EASY MODE unless you're an elementary school kid, right? Kyahahahaha!" I couldn't stop laughing...

"Alright, alright! I'll give you ideas, just don't kill me like the rest, please!" he pleaded. Since he offered to give me ideas, I couldn't just murder him, so I agreed to listen.

As he told me his ideas, I jotted down notes and important points, making sure not to miss a thing.

"Thank you very much for your help, sir. It's a shame that someone with such good ideas as yours has to die so gruesomely." I said, a dark grin spreading across my face. The boy's horrified expression was so very satisfying. As I left, Cho-Marisa went in, and while I didn't bother staying to find out what happened to the fanboy, the way he screamed told me quite a bit.

Sanae 2 ran by with a cattleprod, eyes wide.

"Is it true, Narrator-sama! Did you really get ideas out of one?" she asked me. I smiled sweetly, even with the blood and grime on my face.

"I sure did! Come on, we've got work to do!"

"What do you mean, Narrator-sama?"

"I mean, we're taking over all of Gensokyo, of course!"

-To be continued-

A/N: So, now Narrator-sama has a name. She has also become a not so subtle self insert. Isn't that lovely? Please tell me if I'm getting better at writing, and how to improve if I'm not. 


	10. In which things happen

It was dark in Gensokyo. Much darker than anything Rumia could ever even hope to conjure up. All was quiet that night, if one were to ignore the giant robot rampaging throughout the Forest of Magic.

"PILLAGE AND PLUNDER!" Francis, or rather, Narrator-sama, shouted from atop the robot. Sanae, now one whole person, was standing nearby with a cup of tea.

"Pillage...!" she said unsurely and somewhat nervously. It wasn't often she saw Narrator-sama so enthusiastic about. . . well, anything. Narrator-sama was, more often than not, a generally indifferent person. Things that caught a normal person's interest never could interest her. But, that's enough about that.

None could stand before the might of Narrator-sama's Pringer X! ... Oh, wait. Wrong fandom. Let's just go with a Mecha Cirno. Everybody loves Cirno, right?  
So, anyhow, none could stand before the might of Narrator-sama's Mecha Cirno, otherwise known as the Tengen Toppa Gurren Cirno. However, the lasck of opposition may have been due to the fact that no one gave a damn.

MEANWHILE, AT ALICE's HOUSE!

"Ah, that tea was so good it made my penis ache, ze!"

"... What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Now, let's get back to business~"

ELSEWHERE, ABOARD THE TENGEN TOPPA GURREN CIRNO!

"Alright, I'm officially bored." said Narrator-sama, banging her head up against a conveniently present pillow. "Sanae, get the fuck in here!"

Sanae quickly appeared at Narrator-sama's side, still holding a cup of tea.

"Please, Narrator-sama, control your language. This IS a T rated fic, you know." Sanae said, smiling. Narrator-sama stared, and stared, AND STARED.

"Sanae. Sweet, lovable, stupid Sanae. I'm the only one allowed to do damage to the fourth wall, here. Please remember th-"  
SUDDENLY, the Gurren Cirno was attacked by an outside force! BUT WHAT WAS IT?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON...

THE ULTIMATE TOUHOU!

"Shut the hell up, second narration! This chapter ain't over yet!"

Our heroes were being attacked by their new archnemesis, Reimugann!

Will our heroes survive the coming battle?

Will Santa Claus get to the North Pole in time for New Year's?

WILL MY UPDATES EVER COME SOONER?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

A/N: Yeah, this took forever. 


	11. The Beginning of The End

It was just another day in Gensokyo. Nothing too important was really going on. Reimu was tending to her shrine as usual, with Suika drinking and not being very helpful in the general vicinity. Red and white remnants of what appeared to be a plastic sign, along with some bits of frayed wiring sat in a pile near the stone steps, gathering dust.

Marisa and Alice were over at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, within Patchouli's library. Alice had caught sight of Marisa speeding off toward the place on her broom and decided to give chase, eventually confronting her inside. At some point, their showdown had become an impromptu make-out session, and quite the heated one. When Patchouli found them, she calmly set about the business of chasing them both out.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Remilia was bored, Sakuya was abusing Meiling, and no one bothered to find out what Fladre was doing. Probably nothing important. After all, it was just another day in Gensokyo.

And yet... something seemed a little off about it. In the back of everyone's minds, they felt that something was missing. Even Cirno felt it. Thinking her to know the most for some reason, Cirno found Yukari and asked her, but all she would say was,

"It's over. Stop thinking about it."

An entire year would pass before anyone figure dout what it was, and finally, over at Reimu's shrine while enjoying a cup of tea, Sanae froze and blurted out,

"Francis!"

Reimu stared at the other shrine maiden as though she had sprouted another head, though she had, of course, not.

"What in the world are you... talking about, Kochiya?" she asked, setting her own tea down with an uneasy expression on her face.

"You know, Francis? Narrator-sama? You fought her in a giant robot called the 'Reimugann' and almost lost, but when the Anti-Utsuho showed up, the Gurren Cirno was completely destroyed! ... What happened to Narrator-sama?"

Reimu sighed when Sanae finished speaing, turning away.

"Yukari was supposed to be bordering off the memories of that girl..."

Sanae raised an eyebrow, about to speak when Reimu interrupted her, getting up.

"Kochiya. Do you really want to know what happened to the girl we called Narrator? If you honestly think you can handle it, then come with me. If not, then please... just forget her."

Sanae flinched at how worryingly serious Reimu sounded, having to give some second thoughts to her rising curiosity. Was she really that interested in Francis' fate? Did what happened to the eccentric girl even really matter? She soon decided, standing.

"I want to know, Reimu-san."

-To be Continued

So begins the ending of The Ultimate Touhou. It is wholly fueled by my recent reading of a certain doujinshi, and my watching of a certain anime's ending. I've been gone for quite a while, but that's mainly due to the recent death of my great grandmother. Even with my... loss, I'm gonna keep writing, and I promise to see you all after The Ultimate Touhou ends in: Touhou Ultimate Fanfiction Parody Time Season Two. ... That's seriously the name of the continuation. Anyhow, see you all next chapter, for the pulse pounding, mind raping conclusion! 


	12. The End

And it was soon discovered that all of Gensokyo had been replaced by a giant penis. THE END. 


End file.
